The Homeschoolers: The Ballad of Squirtina
“Life is too big to squeeze into a weekend.” That’s what “half-heathen” public school misfit, Christina Begoni, learns after a bout of Spanish class diarrhea has her escaping into the arms of a holy-rolling homeschool group. With her mustachioed, evil genius brother and cute redneck bully in tow, Christina joins innocent homeschoolers, Sunny and David on a hilarious and often gripping adventure on the Mississippi River. Experience the thrill and romance of the never-ending weekend with The Homeschoolers.
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The Homeschoolers | Excerpt
When I get back to the stand, Sunny says, “You were gone awhile. Did you get lost?”
“I squirted myself!” I announce, quite abruptly.
“When? Just now?” Sunny asks with concern.
David chimes in, “Oh no. You must have stopped at the tamale stand. I could have told you that was going to happen. If you need, I’ve got some Pepto back in the truck.”
“Oh, no. Not right now,” I explain. “Something reminded me of a past incident. I was getting picked on at school because back around Christmas holidays I got really sick. The embarrassing part is that I diarrhea squirted in my freakin’ pants, right in the classroom, in front of everyone!” I’m hysterical with laughter. I have to admit, even though it was the worst thing that has happened to me thus far in life, it’s still hilarious when you hear it said aloud. Kip is still lying on the ground, with his back turned to us, pretending to sleep, but his body is quaking with silent laughter. Sunny and David are stone-faced.
Sunny looks especially puzzled. “I don’t see how that’s funny. You got sick, and then your peers taunted you about it. That is not very nice.”
“That’s what I’m thinking,” David says. “It’s like someone saying, ‘Ha. Ha. You have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma’. I don’t get it.”
“Oh, no. It is funny, but bless you both for thinking otherwise,” I say, pulling David and Sunny to my sides and kissing them both on the cheek. I’ve shared my shameful secret, escaped the hands of my nemesis, and have garnered two allies in Sunny and David. There’s nothing Ricky Kelly could do to bring me down now.
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Henry Circle is a Mississippi native, a freelance writer, a sometime hermit and a most-times loud mouth. She attended homeschool for one glorious year.
Henry is the daughter of actor, John Turturro, a winner of the prestigious Caldecott Medal and former Las Vegas showgirl. None of which is true.